Confessions and Frustrations.

Confessions and Frustrations.

Starvation, many girls and boys do it in the teenage years… I am guilty of starving myself for a few years (off and on… but mainly on). I am now dealing with the side effects of such. Let me tell you the small story.

I started starving myself back when we lived in New Mexico about ten years ago, I was around 15/16 and I found that if I don’t eat I can lose weight. I have always been a pudgy person, round and plump, and I hated how people made fun of me. My mum is a little controlling, so I found that I could control my eating… she could not. Dad was not around a lot because he was always deployed due to being in the Air Force. So, this habit formed at 15ish. I also tried binge and purging… but at 16 I kinda learned my lesson with it. I stopped the day I threw up 32 times and passed out on the bathroom floor for I don’t know how long.

In April 2004, we moved from New Mexico up to Washington state. I hated it. I was just starting to make friends, I had a great job, and there was a boy I really liked and wanted to start a relationship with. But, my parents got a job up here and WA and Dad wanted to retire.

I gained about 20 to 30 pounds right before we moved up here. I was nice and round and ugly (so I thought). When we moved to WA, I did  not have friends. I got a job at Starbucks two months after we moved up here. My dad led to me to work at Starbucks because when he was always deployed he would RAVE about how good Starbucks coffee was. It was all about the Sumatra! I got a job there so he would hopefully love me more and want to be with me (silly teenager thinking).

I started my senior year of high school that fall, I still had not lost the weight and was nice and round. My first semester went fine, I didn’t resort to starvation yet. Then, January hit, and I hated how fat I was. I stopped eating. I would go as long as I could without food, then eat something when I had to. I did this for so many years.All I could think about was food and how much I couldn’t have it.

Sometime around this time, my co-workers at Starbucks noticed. My boss talked with me about it. If it wasn’t for him I do not think I would have even tried to stop for many more years. I am so grateful to all of my shift supervisors at this time, Nancy and Brian, really spoke up about what I was doing to myself.

I believe this was around 2006 or 2007. I started to eat more, not too much, only when I was around people. I didn’t want them to think I was still starving myself. I was though. It has not been til this last year (2010/2011) that I have really stopped starving myself. It is a hard vice to overcome. There are still days where I wish I could starve myself, but I won’t because I know the consequences now, and I am not going to go through all that again with my body and friends. I hurt people! I HURT MY FRIENDS! I didn’t realize that people would be hurt by what I was doing until my co-workers confronted me.

Now, almost four years later, I have gained all that weight  back plus some from when I started to starve myself. Sure, this has a lot to play with nursing school and birth control too I think. But I exercise 6 times a week and I eat healthily (small portions, low on sweets ,fat) you know the drill. I do my best to keep my weight off, but it keeps staying. I am done gaining at least (thankfully). My body has stored for another starvation period, and my mind is wanting to give it what it wants SO badly. But I won’t. This time, I am going to lose this the proper/positive way. With hard work and determination.

So, if you are an old friend and you see me. Please realize, I know I’m fat. I know I have gained weight. I know why too. I can look back into my past and see why this is happening now. I can look back and see myself as that starving teenager, I can look back and see that I was truly hurting myself for this present time. Guess what? I’m only 24, I can lose this weight in a year or two 🙂 I just have to keep living healthfully and keep positive. I also want people to know, I won’t starve myself again.

That was confession, and as you can guess, frustration comes from the fact I am coming from a mindset that HATES fat… I want to starve myself but I can’t. I am frustrated that I am fat and I know I can’t use the quick fix way… I am frustrated because my clothes aren’t fitting, no matter how much I work out. I am determined not to buy new clothes either, I will get back into what I have because I can’t afford new ones just to lose weight and not be able to wear them again.

Please support me, please pray for me, please realize I hate myself enough for everyone in the world<<–  working through this too.

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